


Best Intentions

by noelia_g



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:49:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2254788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noelia_g/pseuds/noelia_g
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rebuilding a fragile relationship is hard enough without everybody looking over your shoulder and questioning your intentions. It was to be expected that the Normandy crew would be somehow protective of their Commander, but Kaidan wasn't prepared for all this. (He can't quite complain, though.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively titled Everybody Gives Major Alenko The Shovel Talk - started as a crack and evolved into my first try on examining the post-Citadel Coup relationship between f!Shepard and Kaidan.

To be fair, he expected this to happen, to some extent at least. Given the history of their relationship, the stumbles and false starts and the death and distrust and guns drawn…

Garrus finds him first, in the early hours of the night after he rejoins the Normandy crew. Kaidan is familiarising himself with the SR-2’s kitchen’s layout and with the coffee machine in particular. It’s a state of the art thing and the coffee is to die for - he might be begrudging towards’ Cerberus (to put it mildly), but they went all in even on the details and, well, coffee. 

“Major,” Garrus says flatly, taking a seat. Once upon a time it would have been a much warmer “Kaidan,” but here they are and Kaidan welcomes it, even as he braces himself for what’s coming next. Garrus watches him for a long moment before his face shifts into something like a smile. It’s terrifying.

“Relax, Major, I’m not going to grill you about your intentions,” he says and grins a little wider at Kaidan’s disbelieving look. “We both know what those are. All I wish to say is, biotics are well and good but no one ever saw me and my sniper rifle coming.” He pauses and drums his fingers on the table. “Speaking in hypotheticals,” he adds.

Yeah, sure they are. 

And yet. “Understood,” Kaidan says and holds Garrus’ gaze for long enough to make sure the turian knows he means it. Garrus was there, after all, through Virmire and Ilos and Citadel. Was there on Horizon and on Citadel again, finger on the trigger and gaze steady through the rifle’s scope, unflinching. 

Kaidan is grateful for that, for the fact that Garrus was ready to shoot him just as he is grateful that he did not, that he lowered his gun at the slightest hand wave from Shepard.

It’s a weird thing to be grateful for, but here they are.

There’s a brief hesitation before Garrus speaks again, a hitch over the first syllable when he does. “She wouldn’t have shot you.”

Kaidan isn’t as sure, but he’ll take it, even if the “but I might, if ever necessary” is unspoken but not missed.

“Thank you,” he says, and means it.

***

“Would you have shot me?” he asks again and she shifts in her seat, frowning slightly as she pulls away to look at him. 

He’s not sure what he’s looking for, what he wants her to say. Half expects to hear she’s already told him, they’ve been through this. They’ve been through all of this, and yet still something itches under his skin, the need to explain, to make her understand, to make himself understand, to make sense of the feelings and of the way he was half ready to pull the trigger and yet could have never.

“I’ll tell you what,” she says finally, hand on the back of his neck as she leans in closer again. Her mouth is close enough to feel the warmth of her breath on his lips. “Next time you pull a gun on me, I will.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

***

Then there’s Joker. 

The quips go on for a bit, mostly towards Shepard; he’s clearly working his way up to Kaidan.

“So, tell me Major Alenko, is the whole pulling guns on each other the equivalent of pulling pigtails for you?”

Kaidan’s mouth works around the words before he forms them. Bites back the bitter taste of the first instinctual response. They’re still on an uneven ground, him an Joker, despite the deceptive lightness of Joker’s tone and Kaidan’s answering grin.

They’ve never quite moved on from the shaky days after the Collector’s attack, from the too quick words and harsh facts that weren’t quite truths.

“Worked out well for me, wouldn’t you say?”

Joker clicks his tongue at him, nodding in acknowledgement. “I would break my arm if I took a swing at you,” he says matter-of-factly, sincerely. “So you better not pull any dipshit crap on her, because I’d be forced to hand the matter over to my girlfriend, who is a ship.”

“Jeff has informed me that it is customary to threaten the paramours of your friends with bodily harm in case they hurt the aforementioned friends. My survey of the available literature and audiovisual content on the matter supports his claim.”

“Yeah, she went through all the romcoms in human history, in no way is that coming back to bite me in the ass,” Joker mutters to no one in particular, gaze fixed on the controls. 

EDI chooses to ignore him, with ease that attests this isn’t an uncommon occurrence. “I realise you are already familiar with this body’s combat abilities, Major,” she offers almost sweetly and fuck, he’s been trying to ignore that one, so thanks, “but I would also be remiss in not reminding you I have control over the ship’s systems, including life support.”

He holds her gaze for a long moment before turning to Joker. “Really?” he asks, spreading his arms. Seems like a bit of an overkill, really. Pun not intended, fuck.

Joker’s mouth twitches. “Hey, I go with resources available to me.”

“That was a joke,” EDI adds. It does little for Kaidan’s peace of mind, to be honest.

***

Later that same day Samantha Traynor corners him and threatens him with some terrible uses of a toothbrush if he makes Shepard even frown a little bit.

At least, that’s what he thinks happens, when he goes over the conversation later. It started innocently enough, with Traynor asking if she should forward his messages to Shepard’s cabin and apparently that scuttlebut is already all over the ship… and then the whole thing sort of spiralled out of control. The most disturbing thing is how many toothbrush-related injuries his brain can come up with.

Vega and Cortez are next, and they must have practiced the good cop bad cop routine, they have it down perfectly. Adams doesn’t state anything outright, just gushes over the new Normandy, and yet manages to perfectly well convey that he’s not afraid of whacking things with a wrench if they’re acting up. Donnelly is much less subtle, pointing at his eyes and then at Kaidan while Daniels laughs into her hand behind him. 

He wonders how much of their history is public knowledge on this ship. What do they think when they look at him, is his betrayal so plain for everyone to see. There’s a hint of accusation in every look he feels follow him out of a room.

Kaidan considers hiding out in Shepard’s cabin (their cabin, maybe, could be, at some point when it’ll stop feeling strange, like he’s trespassing, even now when most of his things are here), but judging by the day he’s having, he’d be attacked by the hamster and the damn fish.

***

“Here you are,” she says, all but throwing herself onto the couch next to him. Her knee digs into his thigh as she folds her legs under herself and settles in. Her hair tickles his cheek, fingers absently moving over his forearm. “Long day?” she asks, studying his face.

It’s uncanny, how she can always tell.

“Weird day, more like,” he mutters. “Yours?”

“The usual,” she shrugs, which in the world of Commander Shepard could mean about anything, from the Council being mildly difficult to siccing a thresher maw on a Reaper. To be fair, she’s been off on the Citadel, talking to Refugees and C-Sec and running errands and doing the most important job of being seen, Commander Shepard on duty. 

She’s been doing that a lot, in recent days following the Cerberus attack, things that people needed from her, wanted from her, piling up. He knows this isn’t quite new, even in the first days of her job as a Spectre people stopped her on the street with just that one thing or other. 

The tightness around her eyes is new, the way her shoulders slouch for a second sometimes before she catches herself and shifts, tall and straight as an arrow and larger than life.

“And tomorrow?” he prompts. 

“I still have things to take care of on the Citadel, but I could have the lunch hour free. What did you call it?” she asks, taking his chin in her hand and tilting his head down. 

“Sanity check?”

“Yeah.”

He gladly lets her pull him down into a kiss and distract him from the plans already forming. He might not be Commander Shepard, but the Spectre status should be good for something. If he times it right he might intercept at least some of the people waiting for her in the alleys of Presidium or the Wards. 

“You’re scheming, Major,” she accuses with a smile. “Whatever it is, it can wait.”

His thoughts exactly.

***

He had no idea what he was getting into.

Oh, not the whole intercepting people before they dropped their life problems on Shepard, that went well enough. Few of the things had to be brought to Shepard’s attention as they related to the fleet and war effort, and places Normandy would have to travel, but there was an endless amount of things on Citadel that could be done with anyone with a Spectre access.

Cerberus’ damage went deeper than expected, and with the refugees coming in in increasing numbers, well, he was kept busy for most of the day.

Except for that wonderful hour around midday, and well, sanity check didn’t even begin to cover it. He’s not quite sure how he got so lucky to end up here, with her, but he doesn’t just need these moments to keep sane, he needs them to keep breathing.

“Over a thousand days of not punching reporters, I deserve a medal,” she says and steals his beer.

“You have a bunch of those already and you can’t claim restraint for over three years if you’ve been dead for two.”

It startles a laugh out of her, loud enough to draw the looks from other patrons at Apollo’s. Might just be him, but he could swear their faces smoothen out when they see her and their eyes narrow a little when they look at him, and yeah, that’s the other thing about today.

Every goddamn other person went out of their way to make sure he knew they personally valued Shepard’s safety and wellbeing and that they would hold him personally responsible if something was even bothering her in the slightest.

Well, probably apart from the whole Reaper invasion and the war going on, he supposes.

He’s probably paranoid, maybe that’s what everyone on the Normandy crew gets. Especially since they can’t know… their relationship is not yet quite official. Neither are the details of their past, everything is classified, including Kaidan’s role during the coup. To the people of the Citadel, he’s one of the heroes, no matter how close he came to fucking it all up.

“Well, at least next place we go to, I can shoot people who are attacking me,” Shepard says, taking up her fork and moving on to steal food from Kaidan’s plate. “Wrap up whatever it is that’s been keeping you busy this morning,” she offers, all too knowingly. “Got a lead worth chasing down, we’re setting out at eighteen hundred. Cerberus facility.”

“You take me to all the best places,” he tells her, getting the laugh he aims for.

***

He goes looking for Liara on his own, smiles when she waves at him to take a seat and wait while she finishes compiling intel. She always had a tendency to keep to herself, but her fingers are sure on the keyboard and her voice is steady when she takes up a message from Garrus and jokes with him over the comm, apologising for cutting it short before she turns to look at Kaidan.

There are moments when the years and changes hit a little harder. The whole galaxy changed rapidly in the past few years, but it’s even more true for Shepard’s crew. There’s something about her, always has been, that doesn’t let you hide, that strips you to the bone and brings out the best, the worst, the most. 

“Is something of a matter, Kaidan?” Liara asks and he shrugs with one shoulder.

“No,” he says quickly. “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Busy, mostly. I have been looking into your students, but nothing…”

“Thank you,” he says sincerely, “but I didn’t come here to stand over your shoulder on that one.”

“You’ve wanted to talk about Shepard,” she guesses and leans back in her chair, smiling slightly. “I’m happy for both of you. In times like these… this is important.”

There’s a decisiveness in her voice he doesn’t quite know the source of and wouldn’t dare to guess, but before he can decide to ask, she gives him a slow smile. “Now, Joker has been telling me of a human tradition for when your friends find themselves in a new relationship...”

He can see where this is going and considering Liara’s current resources, the destination is terrifying.

***

“What were you talking about with Grunt there?” Shepard asks, and of course this is the one she’d notice. Or, well, the one she decides to ask about, maybe.

Kaidan sighs and considers lying. She’d let him get away with it, he’s pretty sure, and that alone decides it. “Your adoptive krogan son has been questioning my intentions towards you.”

“Huh,” she says, putting away the datapad and all but stalking towards the bed. The purpose in her step is not unattractive.

Oh, who is he kidding, he’s half hard already and that’s in the middle of a conversation about a krogan, for fuck’s sake. 

Shepard grins down at him as she straddles his lap and gently touches his chin. “And what exactly are your intentions, Major?”

“I must have been too subtle,” he says, hand on her ass, and she smirks down at him.

“Now that’s a word I wouldn’t once associate with you, Alenko,” she teases. “Remember how Ash used to make fun of you?” she asks softly and Kaidan nods, tilting his head back as she rests her forehead on his. Her voice drops when she mentions Ashley, but not with guilt that used to lace it, but with fondness. “You got better, though,” she tells him.

“Only way to go was up,” he agrees. 

“Right. Speaking of,” she says pointedly, shifting closer and making Kaidan groan. 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he tells her and Shepard leans down, her lips brushing his, hand on his chest to steady him when he tries to chase her taste after she pulls away a little. 

“I hope not,” she says, joking and all too serious, and all he can do is kiss her until she’s smiling against his mouth, all he can do is stand up and make his shaky way towards her bed as she’s grinning against his neck.

***

“She’ll be fine,” Chakwas says and the amusement in her voice is an even better indicator than her words. “You can go in and check for herself, Major, and stop pouting. The Commander should be awake soon, but I recommend at least a day of rest. I hope I can count on you to make it happen?”

She gives him a look that’s half stern and half like she wants to pinch his cheeks and all the way worrying. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Because I’m well aware it’d be too much to ask to make sure she doesn’t go hunting for more ancient underwater aliens in the near future,” she adds, shaking her head, and waves at him. “Alright, go in.”

He’s not the only one hovering, Garrus and Steve and James are right outside the medbay and some of the crew tries to casually pass nearby. Shepard gave all of them a fright, comms going off on them like that, her absence prolonged and increasingly terrifying, Garrus and Steve trying to assure him she had to be alright even while they clearly didn’t have the certainty.

He was damn near useless during the prolonged fight, out of his mind with worry. Thank heavens for Garrus’ steady hands on the rifle and Steve’s calm under pressure. 

His hands are still shaking a little, or maybe his brain is rattled with the cold and the oncoming migraine. Shepard’s fingers are even colder, her skin pale and lips almost blue. She was slipping in and out of consciousness during the ride back home, finally losing it when they reached the Normandy. Not the closest call by far, considering, but damn too close.

“Are you alright?” Garrus asks behind him, startling Kaidan into a laugh.

“Of course.” He’s lying, and they both know it, but he can count on Garrus for not calling him out on this one. “Not exactly proud of being worse than useless back there. Thanks for saving my ass.”

“You’re lucky Shepard’s out cold, she wouldn’t let you get away with this bullshit,” Garrus tells him and pulls up one of the uncomfortable medbay chairs, folding into it with a groan. “Under the circumstances you held yourself together very well. Much as she expected you to.”

He never took Garrus for one for platitudes, huh. He must really look pitiful right now, maybe Chakwas wasn’t kidding about the pouting. 

“Speaking of bullshit,” he mutters and the turian bites back a grin.

“I don’t like you _that_ much, Alenko,” he offers lightly. “That’s been what, sixth mission in a row for her and the both of us?” Kaidan nods, glancing back at Shepard, who huffs in her sleep, some of the colour back in her face. “She used to rotate the shore party, remember? Not always the best for each mission, in hindsight, but you never can quite plan for everything and we’ve always pulled through. Of course, that was before the not-so-good old days of Cerberus.”

Kaidan glances at him with some curiosity. He and Shepard discussed those only briefly, mostly in terms of intel; that way of conversation too often led to him saying something he’d deeply regret, they’ve learned that on Mars already, learned that on the Citadel again. 

He wishes he had the courage to pick up the subject again sometimes, that maybe this time he’d get it right, say the right thing, let her know… Maybe one of these days.

Garrus never spoke to him about Cerberus, however. About people they’ve met during that time, sure, even if briefly and deferring to Shepard and leaving it up to her in terms of what she’d wish to share. He definitely never started a conversation on the subject.

“I used to wonder why she’d take me on each and every mission, considering the really impressive roster Cerberus came up with. Looking back, I think she desperately needed someone she knew had her back.”

“I should have been there,” he mutters.

“You couldn’t have, we knew that,” Garrus tells him dryly and the way his gaze shifts conveys “she knew that” perfectly. “Also, not the point of the story, Major.”

“Are you getting to the point any time soon?” Kaidan asks, matching Garrus’ lighter tone even though his mind feels even heavier now. 

“Cerberus did really well with their dossiers and all. Good people, and just the ones Shepard might have chosen herself.” It’s not that difficult to see the pattern in all of the people she draws in. A lot to offer, more to prove, all of them that little bit broken. She pulls them in and pushes them hard, but they all come out better for it. After all, she’s there for all of the uphill climb. “All of them exceptional in their own right, more than suited for any mission they’d be needed on. And yet, it was always me and her. Others, yes, but mostly the ones who’d never trust Cerberus but who trusted Shepard. She spent the whole year looking over her shoulder and questioning the voice in her ear.”

“I-”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Major, but you seem hellbent on earning back her trust. I ask you to consider that you’ve been on her team, on every damn mission she could take you on, since the very day you rejoined Normandy. She knows who has her back.”

Kaidan keeps quiet for a long moment, watching her chest rise and fall, her breath even and steady now. “Thank you.”

“I still might shoot you, but in deference to Shepard’s misguided feelings, it’d be in the leg,” Garrus tells him magnanimously. “I can’t vouch for Tali, however. She can be pretty mean.”

***

He’s looking to speak to an asari about an artifact of her people when he runs into Jack in Purgatory. She nods at him, unimpressed, and threatens to cut up certain pieces of him if he does anything to displease Shepard.

She seems absolutely serious about the threats, much more than anyone else has been so far, and Kaidan laughs into her face and offers to buy her a drink.

“Yeah, well, you’re still a putz,” she mutters and orders the most expensive thing on the drink list. “But I guess there’s no accounting for taste and Shepard’s a big girl now,” she adds, downing it in one go.

***

“You _should_ have shot me,” he tells Shepard and she gives him a look over the brim of her coffee mug.

“This again?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m really glad you didn’t. I just…” he shrugs, just that little bit annoyed at his own inability to find the right words. “All the time we were going after Saren, I spent it pretty damn angry at the Council for not believing you. Everything you said, every damn time, turned out right. And yet, they wouldn’t, time and again.”

He never expected himself to fail on the first hurdle when it was his turn, and yet.

And on the damn second and third too.

She puts the cup down with a soft clink and tilts her head. “Did you think I was just flirting with you?” she asks, a tinge of amusement in her voice.

“What?”

“All the time I asked for your tactical input, where I was trying to get a feel for where your head was at… you really thought I was coming by just to flirt with you, didn’t you, Alenko?”

Kaidan rolls his eyes at her, even though he can feel his face flushing lightly. It’s a bit amazing, how she can still make him flustered so easily. He missed it. “You _were_ coming by to flirt with me,” he points out.

She grins. “Well, there’s that, yes. But also because I did want your tactical input. Both you and Ash, you never coddled me, never blindly followed. I need that. You seem to think I should distrust you because of Horizon or Udina. Those are the very reasons I trust you.” She laughs at his disbelieving look. “You’ve acted on the intel you’ve had at the time. Both times.”

“Just happened to be wrong.”

“Happens to the best of us,” she agrees.

“By your logic, I should have shot _you_.”

“Yeah,” she nods and picks up her mug again. “You know what, I’m really glad you didn’t.”

***

The avatar of the geth consensus asks him about his intentions towards the Shepard-Commander.

Kaidan laughs all the way up to her cabin.

***

“So, what _are_ your intentions, Kaidan?”

She drawls her words, close to falling asleep, her arm thrown over his stomach. 

Kaidan narrows his eyes down at her. “No one was really as subtle as they thought they were, eh?”

She snorts, a huff of a sound against his shoulder. “Not even remotely. And you’re probably sleeping much better not knowing how many messages on the subject I actually intercepted.”

“This does nothing for my peace of mind,” he informs her. She could be joking, then again she probably isn’t.

“It’s really cute how they think they could get to you,” she adds, shifting up to rest her chin on his chest and peer up at him. “So.”

“I don’t know, what are yours?” he asks and she nods.

“Exactly. This is why I’m keeping you, Alenko,” she tells him and closes her eyes again, shifting even closer as she settles in to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> That was me taking the fandom and the pairing for a spin after crying my eyes out on a few playthroughs. 
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr - realitycheckbounced.tumblr.com - and enable my insanity.


End file.
